i barfeds in our rink
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
