I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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