So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
