i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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