Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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