I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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