my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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