I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
