I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
