i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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