Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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