Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
