I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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