Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
