Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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