everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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