Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
