We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
FUCK WHALES
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
