Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
