I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think my moral compass just broke
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
