Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
