He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
