so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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