So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
