Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
