I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
