look no pants
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
