i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
