Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drake has all the answers
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
