i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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