so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
