So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
