I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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