My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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