Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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