Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
