I wanna passion pit in your ass
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
