He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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