there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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