Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
