She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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