Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
