I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
