Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
