i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
