Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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