Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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