I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's rum buckets o'clock
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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