im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
