Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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