My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Randomize
