I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't deserve a penis
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
