i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
